I spent some time last night considering the journey of my heart. It's wanted so many things over the years. They've all been simple in intent, but very complicated in practice. I guess I've always desired for someone to really love me, to accept me for who I am. I've ached to have someone, just one person on this planet of billions, consider me vital to their life. I've also wanted to be pursued; it seems I've been the lover in my life, but just once I want to be the beloved. I suppose all of these desires boil down to one - I've wanted to matter to someone, somewhere, for a least a little bit of time.
For those of you who know my past, you're aware that the course of my life hasn't followed my hopes, and I'm okay with that. I'd have liked for it to be different, and I still hope that one day it will be, but I now realize that regardless of which desires remain unmet and which are satisfied, there is something greater beyond the borders of my fleeting existence.
I was reminded last night of Jesus' last night on earth. After sharing the Passover supper with His closest friends, they sang a hymn and then headed out of the upper room. Jesus took his three best friends, James, John, and Peter, and headed to a favorite place of theirs – the Garden of Gethsemane. There, He told His friends, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay and keep vigil with me." And then we read that He walked away a few feet to pray, and His sorrow was so great that He sweated blood, an actual medical condition known as hematidrosis**. But when He returned, He found His friends sleeping. "Could you not stay up with me one hour?" was His cry, but they fell asleep two more times. In His time of need they weren't there for Him, and in His darkest hour on the cross, they all abandoned Him, except for John. It's fair to say that Jesus knew heartache, loneliness and betrayal in a way that we never will. He lived righteously and obediently, and never gave in to sin. How did the Image and Glory of God handle His unmet needs? Did He choose the false intimacies of sex, food, drugs, work, and hobbies that we run to? Did He choose to discipline His heart to the point that He grew hardened and passionless? Or did Jesus respond to disappointment and feeling unfulfilled differently than most of us? And if so, is there something we can learn from Him so that we not only withstand our times of barrenness, but we end up soaring in our Spirit even while our hearts melt within us?
These were the questions I thought about last night. I reflected on the false intimacies I've chosen, the quasi-solutions to my ache that I've cooked up over the years, and the mess that they've ALWAYS gotten me into. I realized that for much of my life, I didn't deal with my unmet needs as Jesus did. I escaped the pain through anesthetizing activities, most of which I'm uncomfortable to mention in such a forum. (Contact me privately though, if you're serious about walking as He did, and we can share our hearts for the sake of becoming as He is). My desire to live authentically means I can't continue to choose these paths for my life. I must be present even in the pain, and I need to enter into the suffering and disappointment with all the passion that has led me to desire so much in the first place. I know that God has promised me a Door of Hope in the Valley of Achor (Trouble). At times I've seen it and even walked towards it, but I tend to pull back when I get too close. It's only been in these past few months that I find myself purposefully walking through that door with each trial that I face, and remaining there. I'm not frightened anymore . . . not because I've done anything different, but because this seems to be the season in my life for this growth to occur. In my heart of hearts I trust and know Who is waiting for me on the other side, and I know I will finally become the Beloved that I've longed to be.
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