Looking for a Heavenly Country

Benign: Tending to exert a beneficial influence; favorable:
Having little or no detrimental effect; harmless:
Medicine. Of no danger to health; not recurrent or progressive; not malignant:

On my previous blog I explained that my MRI revealed I have a brain tumor – specifically, a frontal convexity meningioma, which accounts for 20% of brain meningiomas. A meningioma is a tumor of the meninges, the membranes that cover the brain and spine. They tend to grow slowly, recur, and are usually benign, but in a very narrowly defined way – meaning non-cancerous, but they are dangerous, recurrent, and progressive. A meningioma can press on the brain and spinal cord, causing complications such as vision loss, paralysis, difficulty breathing, increased cranial pressure, and even death. For my type of tumor, the complications include weakness in arms and legs, seizures, memory loss, impaired vision, headaches, dizziness, and tremor. So I'm not sure how any of this fits in with the definition of the word benign.

What caused me to go to a neurologist was months of weird symptoms that have been appearing and re-appearing – sometimes over the course of a week, sometimes over the course of a day - severe vertigo, splitting headaches, the sense of looking at things through a curved fishbowl, the need to keep cleaning my glasses because either things are not sharp enough, or sometimes they're too sharp, the feeling that I'm hearing things 'through a can', a deep weakness and trembling coupled with a fatigue that's so strong I need to get vertical ASAP (or I'll pass out) and can barely lift my arms. By the way, this has happened to me on the subway and I laid down on the filthy platform at Times Square and thought for sure I was going to die. Lately I've been having 'earthquakes' in my head. It's like the floor of my mind shifts, everything inside slides to one side, and I can't make the sliding stop. A few times I've felt something like a broad, blunt object (like the palm of a hand) slap me on the inside of my skull – WHAM – right on the top of my brain and everything inside quakes. Sometimes I lay in bed and my arm or leg or whole body tremble.

My neurologist told me my test results are "not so bad", which encouraged me until I discovered that's common neuro lingo that has a very different meaning than what we mean by not so bad. Tumors get classified as not so bad, bad, and very bad. Meningiomas fall into the first category because only about 10% are cancerous. Mine has defined edges so it's almost 100% benign, but what does "not so bad" mean in practical terms? Well, here's the breakdown:
Brain tumors are the third leading cause of death for people ages 20-39. Roughly 138,000 people a year are living with meningioma. Only 37% of males and 53%of females survive five years following the diagnosis of a primary BENIGN brain tumor. That means in 5 years, about 2/3 of male patients, and ½ of female patients are dead. So much for benign, and so much for not-so-bad!

Surgery for meningiomas carries its own serious risks, and right now my neurologist won't even consider it. My MRI revealed a cranial fossa arachnoid cyst (a collection of cerebrospinal fluid) that's exerting "mass effect upon the overlying inferior frontal lobes", a large lesion from my accident, and scarring from 2 surgeries to repair subdural hematomas and 3 fractures. In other words, my brain is pretty banged up and since meningiomas tend to recur, the surgeon is not keen on adding any more dings and dents to my brain until absolutely necessary. And radiation or chemo causes cells to become cancerous. So this means I need to live with these symptoms until serious seizures start, the tumor grows into more complicated regions, or the pressure in my cranium builds up to unsafe amounts. Right now my symptoms may be preferable to what I can end up with post-surgery. I don't want to get into the whole aftermath of meningioma removal unless I'm nearing surgery, but let's just say it isn't pretty. If you're interested, you can read Liz Holzemer's Curveball: When Life Throws You a Brain Tumor. She chronicles her battle with meningioma in a funny and honest way, and likens a craniotomy to re-arranging the upstairs furniture. No matter how careful you are, you know you're never going to put your easy chair back into the same exact spot.

So for now . . . I wait. I've got regularly scheduled trips through the MRI tube to monitor tumor growth and position. I'm praying for God to remove the cyst and tumor supernaturally, but if He chooses otherwise, then I am trusting that He will bring me through this. Since He's sovereign, that means He has allowed this, so He obviously plans to do something here. And knowing my Father, He does everything perfectly, so I don't have to worry.

"A small trouble is like a pebble. Hold it too close to your eye and it fills the whole world and puts everything out of focus. Hold it at a proper distance and it can be examined and properly classified. Throw it at your feet and it can be seen in its true setting, just one more tiny bump on the pathway of life." Orison Sweet Marden

If you feel led to pray, please pray for the tumor to shrink, my symptoms to cease, that I don't get hurt falling (or robbed LOL), that I'm able to keep working, that the doctors always make the right choices, that I would NEVER lose the joy of the Lord, that I would magnify Christ in my body, and that I am healthy enough to continue in ministry.

And . . . if it's not too much, maybe sometimes you can think about all the other people who live with tumors, cancer, MS, COPD, AIDS, and other life-threatening illnesses? Men, women, and children - all embroiled in life and death battles. It's easy to forget when you're feeling well, but right now, while you're reading this, someone is dying, another person is in agonizing pain, someone is kissing their little child for the last time, and someone just heard their diagnosis and their life was turned upside down. And it's happening to me today, but tomorrow it could be happening to any of you. If my 40 years on this planet have taught me anything – it's that life can turn on a dime. But there are great organizations that you can donate time or money to and really make a difference. I personally love St. Jude's, but you can choose any other organization. It doesn't take much. It's $18 a month to be a St. Jude's partner, that's about 2 weeks of your morning coffee at 7-Eleven. Maybe you can just brew at home and send your coffee money to help fund research, provide medical care for an uninsured person, or make a child's last wish come true. Or maybe you can donate 3 hours a month at a hospital, or get a list of patients from places like MySpace or CaringBridge and send them cards and notes on a regular basis, or pray for them often. Just get involved in some way, however teeny it may seem. The Bible says we are co-laborers with Christ, so what better place to meet Him? Jesus is not hanging out by the water cooler, He's in the hospital wards and prisons, out on the street corners, and standing by countless sick beds. He came to give LIFE, so how about we join Him in His work?